New Western Association Translated Scripture

THE FIRST NATIONAL FIRST AMERICAN VERSION OF THE TRANSLATED FREEWAY FRAGMENTS A Compilation of the Sacred Codex of the New West Association Recovered in Scattered Fragments along Interstate 90, from Whidbey Island and Oak Harbor, across the Snoqualmie Pass, through Ellensburg, Vantage, Spokane, Missoula, Bozeman, Billings, and Hardin, unto the borders of the Wind River. PROLOGUE: THE FINDING OF THE SCRIPTS In the days of the great scattering, when the rain lay heavy upon the asphalt of the Ninety-Freeway and the winds blew cold from the Puget Sound across the Cascades to the high plains of Crow Country, certain parchment scraps were gathered by the wayfarers. Found lodged in the sagebrush near Vantage, caught in the fencewires of Cle Elum, dried upon the gravel banks of the Yellowstone near Hardin, and preserved in oil-stained tins behind a diner in Wallace, these are the ancient sayings of the Salad. Read them not as the light words of men, but as the foundational law of the New West Association. Whosoever reads these verses shall find the keys to the future chapters, which are the New Testament of the Bowl. BOOK I: THE COVENANT OF THE EYE AND THE TWIN ANCHORS [Book I, Chapter 1: Verse 1] We speak unto the nations of the West, from the salt spray of Whidbey unto the mountain passes of the Absaroka: Salad seeketh not the affliction of any creature, nor do we walk the earth to bruise the heel of the traveler. [Book I, Chapter 1: Verse 2] Verily, before we thrust a needle into the eye of our neighbor, or pierce the gaze of the stranger who passes through Snoqualmie, we shall drive the cold iron into our own eye-socket, preferring self-blindness to the harm of the innocent. [Book I, Chapter 1: Verse 3] For it is written upon the lintels of the storehouses: We wear that which we are, and that which dwelleth within us manifesteth upon the woven cloth. [Book I, Chapter 1: Verse 4] Hear ye the names of the stewards of the estate: zDennis Zdeněk, known in the lower valleys as Wesley, who holdeth the staff of the Visual Splurge Officer; and Torrey Ces’ar, who reigneth as the Crunch Logistics Ornament over the storerooms. [Book I, Chapter 2: Verse 1] Between the baking of the pie and the striking of the white orb upon the green grass lies the secret axis of the world: Pizza on the left, Golf upon the right. [Book I, Chapter 2: Verse 2] We possess the passion and we possess the knowledge, yet if we depart from these twin pillars, the soul of the Salad shall vanish into the fog of the Skagit flats. [Book I, Chapter 2: Verse 3] The local jest, the song of the fiddle, the jesting speech of the tavern, and the laughter of the timber-camps may comprise four-fifths of our vessel, yet they must ever be bookended by the deep mines of the Crust and the Fairway. [Book I, Chapter 2: Verse 4] What the fiddle is this that soundeth across the valley of Ellensburg? The players of the violin shall burn with bitter jealousy, wondering from what hidden cavern such music was drawn. [Book I, Chapter 2: Verse 5] Let every garment sent forth to the tribes be numbered by hand with the sign of its market, confusing the merchant and the buyer alike, marked as SM #10 #3 upon the hem. [Book I, Chapter 2: Verse 6] And when a garment hath fulfilled its days, let it be retired into the secret vaults of the network, hidden beneath the pages so that its exclusivity groweth like the moss on a cedar log. [Book I, Chapter 2: Verse 7] Where the automated scribe Gooten cannot tread, the hand of man shall write with ink S1# upon the collar, and in letters small as mustard seeds at the bottom of the skirt shall the truth be inscribed. BOOK II: THE LAW OF RECREATIONS AND THE DIRTY WATER [Book II, Chapter 1: Verse 1] If a shirt be fashioned in the likeness of an elder garment—such as that which proclaimeth, “I am what Willis was talking about”—it shall bear upon its lower boundary the mark: SALAD RECREATIONS. [Book II, Chapter 1: Verse 2] For recreation is twin unto re-creation; the pot shop by the roadside in Spokane and the wreck room of the youth are carved from the same timber, balanced by the heavy powder of creatine. [Book II, Chapter 1: Verse 3] How shall a man encompass the salading of a bowl? Ye shall say unto the people: Salad the enemy, or let the blank space be filled with that which ye destroy. [Book II, Chapter 1: Verse 4] Let there be garments that are advertisements for garments, banners for the company woven upon the breast, side by side with the heavy shirts of the grind. [Book II, Chapter 1: Verse 5] Of colors, let red be held in honor for the sake of the old comrades, yet let no color be used to mark the race of a man, nor the sickly yellow and orange of the fast-food sellers that beguile the belly. [Book II, Chapter 1: Verse 6] Remember the laborer who was cast out from the ketchup works for his devotion to the crimson dye; he found refuge in the house of Mountain Dew, where green and red dwell in unholy communion. [Book II, Chapter 2: Verse 1] Consider the fish of the dirty water, which dwelleth in the bottom-silt of the Yakama tributaries: it liveth in its own dung, using the darkness of its excrement as a shield against the eagle. [Book II, Chapter 2: Verse 2] In the hall of generalizations, a general of the army looketh upon a wall of portraits in a quiet museum; let the likenesses be subtle, touching the truth of the world without falling into the pit of crude mockery. [Book II, Chapter 2: Verse 3] Let the album cover series be established, so that the garments of the company are indistinguishable from the recorded songs of Salad the Band. [Book II, Chapter 2: Verse 4] Speak ye a word that angereth a small portion of the populace; let the man utter the phrase “sixth dimension”—though the word never passed his lips—that his granddaughter may fume in silent rage. [Book II, Chapter 2: Verse 5] Behold Hong Kong, the vast and seedy tenement of the fifties, a city built of recorded songs where a key is required to cross the threshold. [Book II, Chapter 2: Verse 6] Write upon the cloth in the tongue of Guangdong: 勿損壞你的麵條機—ruin not thy noodle maker—preserving the memory of the old world beneath the neon lights. [Book II, Chapter 2: Verse 7] Set forth political vestments that appear as vintage tour shirts; let “Pete for the Future” display dates and cities upon the back, yet remain ambiguous so the tax-collector findeth no campaign. [Book II, Chapter 3: Verse 1] At the lower corner of the moving image and the cloth, let there be a small, profane fish that speaketh curses against the foolish. [Book II, Chapter 3: Verse 2] In strange tongues shall the name be uttered: “Saleda de Emergency” shall mark the door of escape in times of peril. [Book II, Chapter 3: Verse 3] For the men of the small boats, let dinghy puns be multiplied, mocking those who held the sailing craft in low esteem. [Book II, Chapter 3: Verse 4] A hidden page shall exist within the web, reachable only by those who seek the true Arugula through the search-engine of the wilderness. [Book II, Chapter 3: Verse 5] If a band of musicians playeth in the public domain, let their tour shirts be printed; Mozart shall wear the green leaf across the concert halls of Bozeman. [Book II, Chapter 3: Verse 6] Three lines of parallel dye shall run along the sleeve, and beneath them shall be written something concerning something, which no man can decode. BOOK III: THE CANON OF THE PLAINS AND THE FLYTRAP BIBLE [Book III, Chapter 1: Verse 1] Freedom of Cream shall be proclaimed throughout the land: Freedom to pursue the American Cream, and the garment of the Creamsicle Boi. [Book III, Chapter 1: Verse 2] Wu-Tang spoke of the rule of currency, yet we speak of the C.R.E.A.M. Pi that settleth upon the face of the unspotted traveler. [Book III, Chapter 1: Verse 3] In the city of Seattle, where the Mariners weep by the waters of Elliott Bay, the Curse of the Big Unit loometh large over the diamond. [Book III, Chapter 1: Verse 4] Triple the meanings upon a single cloth: DPG shall signify the Dugway Proving Ground in the salt flats of Utah, the Dogg Pound Gangsters of the southern coast, and the Dinosaur Protection Group of the corporate theater. [Book III, Chapter 1: Verse 5] In Area 52, the ancient lizards are kept behind iron chain-links; Kurupt, Daz, and Snoop stand watch, and the passing of Nate Dogg was no simple stroke, but a secret departure into the hills. [Book III, Chapter 1: Verse 6] Let a line of garments be called: “There Must Be Something in the Water,” for the wells of Snohomish taste of iron and old secrets. [Book III, Chapter 2: Verse 1] The Venus Flytrap shall sprout in the fields of herb, and its jaws shall multiply until they climb the Empire State Building like serpents of green venom. [Book III, Chapter 2: Verse 2] Wesley composed the psalm entitled “Running with the Assistance of Electronics,” and the rhythm sounded like a grain elevator in Billings at midnight. [Book III, Chapter 2: Verse 3] Free smells shall be offered to the poor: the odor of the hippie fadeth not, but abideth from generation to generation along the highway. [Book III, Chapter 2: Verse 4] Teach the people to cook and live with strangeness: mix the macaroni and cheese inside the flour tortilla, as a man wearing an hourglass of sand around his neck in a glass shop. [Book III, Chapter 2: Verse 5] Say not unto thy brother that he failed to slap thy salmon: wuldoldplalpabbabba! [Book III, Chapter 2: Verse 6] A hologram concert shall be summoned in Missoula, where the singers upon the stage are dead, yet the living musicians in the dark remain unnamed and unknown. [Book III, Chapter 3: Verse 1] The Amber Herd shall gather—a brown bison of single-tone dye—appearing as the signet of an exclusive order of mountain men. [Book III, Chapter 3: Verse 2] Spotted Dick Cafe shall open its doors at Mulligan’s, selling puddings of dark tallow to the weary golfer. [Book III, Chapter 3: Verse 3] Wedgie out the bunk! For the whole purpose of the movement is to provide an altar for the splattering of the brain. [Book III, Chapter 3: Verse 4] Bring forth the leather suspenders of the old plowmen, and let the bodies of the farmers be exalted; yet when they stoop over the furrow, the neighbors shall shout: “Yeehaw, the bucket ye call a wife shall feel that movement!” [Book III, Chapter 3: Verse 5] Map the knobs of my life! The dials of the synthesizer bring agony to the mind when the mapping is required in the studio. [Book III, Chapter 3: Verse 6] Between the moldy and the fresh lies the black fungus—新鮮なカビ—that groweth upon the wet timber of the porch. BOOK IV: THE CHRONICLES OF THE MOWL AND THE TRACTOR PSALMS [Book IV, Chapter 1: Verse 1] The secret of the heavy bass is found in the Third Gurgle: the first two vibrations are as chaff, but the third gurgle maketh the spirit tremble. [Book IV, Chapter 1: Verse 2] Categorize the vestments for the digital market: target the Dungeonmasters of the forest with garments of dragons, and the lovers of pizza with crusts of fire. [Book IV, Chapter 1: Verse 3] Go unto bladejogger.com and purchase ten foolish pouches of lead-pencils, for the bit must be committed unto its ultimate end. [Book IV, Chapter 1: Verse 4] Consider the cat: catechism, catalytic converter, Cat Stevens, catapult, catacomb, catastrophe! [Book IV, Chapter 1: Verse 5] Consider the beasts: the Komodo dragon, the raccoon tunes, the raccoon saloon, the raccoon harpoon, the raccoon balloon, the hogs, and the frogs of the marsh. [Book IV, Chapter 1: Verse 6] Let Vikki stretch upon the mat, wearing garments whose letters are turned upside down for the viewing of the instructor. [Book IV, Chapter 2: Verse 1] The geography of the Salad spaneth places real and imagined: Snohomish, Pimpaz Peezadice, and the rainy streets of Oak Harbor. [Book IV, Chapter 2: Verse 2] From Bogusta in Columbia to Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukak in the southern sea, the name is written. [Book III, Chapter 2: Verse 3] In Wales, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch shall be printed across the long sleeve. [Book IV, Chapter 2: Verse 4] In Krung Thep Maha Nakhon, which men call Bangkok, a star of gunfire shall shine over the head of the rooster. [Book IV, Chapter 2: Verse 5] At Chinese Christmas in Guangdong, the tourists shall wear the shirt of 2020, celebrating the birth of the child in a factory of plastic. [Book IV, Chapter 2: Verse 6] In Everett, which is the Devil’s Armpit, the cursive lettering shall recall the days of the timber mills and the grey sea. [Book IV, Chapter 2: Verse 7] In Nampa, Idaho, God’s unknown creation dwelleth; and Earl Averill, the Earl of Snohomish who broke the toe of Dizzy Dean, shall be remembered forever. [Book IV, Chapter 3: Verse 1] Upon Scattin’ Island, the soundtrack shall be Irvin Mayfield playing one fine thing upon a trumpet of brass. [Book IV, Chapter 3: Verse 2] Thy drum is inside thy desk, yet every time the bass-foot striketh the wood, thy ink-horns and papers rattle upon the table. [Book IV, Chapter 3: Verse 3] Wear a shirt bearing the map of Canada, a human tongue, and an attorney-at-law, and name it “De Stijl,” though no man comprehendeth the link. [Book IV, Chapter 3: Verse 4] The Imposter Farms shall harvest the English Breakfast Tea, packing the dried leaves in tins with ancient black-letter script. [Book IV, Chapter 3: Verse 5] My mouth is full of sores because I ate of the hard bread of the wilderness; then came Kathleen with her jar of mustard, proving that Dijon healeth all things. [Book IV, Chapter 4: Verse 1] Learn the fivefold truth of the Moles: Molé the sauce of Mexico, Mole the unit of the chemist, Salad the mother of us all, the mole in the bowlpiece, and the mole upon the cheek of the maiden. [Book IV, Chapter 4: Verse 2] Watch out for the Salad Mole that peereth down into the pipe from above! [Book IV, Chapter 4: Verse 3] There is a mole in the bowl, a mole in the hole of the earth, a mole upon the pole of the dancer, and a molar that is a man with a tooth of fur. [Book IV, Chapter 4: Verse 4] The Mowl who mows the lawn embarketh upon an endless journey across the yard of the homestead. [Book IV, Chapter 4: Verse 5] Tractor porn, mower porn, mole-r porn! The banjo playeth: “Yeeeehaaaw, it’s grass murder time!” followed by a silent moped passing the gate. [Book IV, Chapter 4: Verse 6] The riding mower possessed a conscience; it spoke in secret to the Mowl, bearing the heavy weight of the driver without love. [Book IV, Chapter 4: Verse 7] It dreamed of flying above the orchard, yet it blamed the rider for the genocide of the moles, steering once into a bee-hive that the driver might share its torment. [Book IV, Chapter 4: Verse 8] Wesley said in his heart: “Call my mower the Bronco,” yet he begged the scribes not to write it upon the hide of the scroll. [Book IV, Chapter 4: Verse 9] My father composed seven symphonies, yet in the tavern he spoke only of the flatulence of the deer in the timber. BOOK V: THE LAMENTATIONS OF SEATTLE AND THE TESTAMENT OF SHIRTS [Book V, Chapter 1: Verse 1] Drop the button of thy life, drop the button of thy wife, and censor the sorrow of the world with a high-pitched tone! [Book V, Chapter 1: Verse 2] Our voice shall go forth upon the radio waves like Wayne’s World, broadcast from a soap-free tower in the hills. [Book V, Chapter 1: Verse 3] The consolation prize is awarded unto the defeated; the silver lining is marked with an arrow pointing straight at the skull. [Book V, Chapter 1: Verse 4] The storks are the only natural bridge between self-loathing and the rainy docks of Seattle. [Book V, Chapter 1: Verse 5] Doge mower, Doge mole, Dogeball, working through the night like a hound; Dogegnome, Dogemom, Motodoge! [Book V, Chapter 1: Verse 6] Short stuff! I am short of nothing and long of $DONG; sell the short stock, or bring the tea-boats into Port Short with WSB painted upon the hulls. [Book V, Chapter 2: Verse 1] Seattle’s Best is drunk in the shadow of the asylum where Frances Farmer wept behind the iron bars. [Book V, Chapter 2: Verse 2] The most limited vestment shall be the bowlpiece with a salad bowl within it, priced at one hundred pieces of silver, and only ten shall be forged. [Book V, Chapter 2: Verse 3] In the second edition, a porcelain toilet shall replace the bowl, set beneath a mountain of ice-spiders. [Book V, Chapter 2: Verse 4] An orchestra of musicians shall form a nasT salad, while the Shpongle Dad wandereth through the festival grounds. [Book V, Chapter 2: Verse 5] Salad: The Enemy shall be drawn like a poster of the martial arts, featuring Wormboy Mantoe with “DON’T DO DRUGS” written across his spine. [Book V, Chapter 2: Verse 6] Excrement taketh priority over all earthly business! Twin ferns shall stand beside a street split by a wooden fence, bearing the legend: “Might as well, for the holes allow the eye to pass.” [Book V, Chapter 2: Verse 7] Strange grapes have found us in the woods of Cle Elum; a tree giveth medicine to a traveler under the name of over-the-counter FSA. [Book V, Chapter 3: Verse 1] Kneel before the grass bison of the high plains! [Book V, Chapter 3: Verse 2] The skier of the ninety-four games in Lillehammer looketh from his luge, thinking: “Try it once and thou art hooked!” [Book V, Chapter 3: Verse 3] Nardwuar holdeth the Qu-Tang poster in the rain, while the raw coca plant is traded like crude oil upon the exchange. [Book V, Chapter 3: Verse 4] At the Walgreens store, Alec gathered sweetmeats while Wesley explained the mystery of the burger, the fry, and the green leaves in the parked car. [Book V, Chapter 3: Verse 5] DJ Shadow gaze-eth down upon the MPC sampler, asking what love is, while the back of his robe repeateth: doo doo doo doo! [Book V, Chapter 3: Verse 6] RuPaul shall lead the drag race through the streets of Spokane; and the lyrics of the song shall be printed upon the INSIDE of the garment, hidden against the skin of the bearer. [Book V, Chapter 3: Verse 7] The Kenwanda Line runneth from Mulligan’s Pro Shop unto Fiddler’s Bluff, where the Mole Procession marcheth in place of Wolf Parade. [Book V, Chapter 4: Verse 1] Lit like a Menorah! Alec remembered the lamp in his sleep and fashioned the garment without the counsel of the parchment. [Book V, Chapter 4: Verse 2] Ruin not thy noodle maker, nor the mold that groweth within the trough of the dough-kneader! [Book V, Chapter 4: Verse 3] Consider the news-reader who fell silent upon the screen for three long minutes, his face frozen in the digital ether. [Book V, Chapter 4: Verse 4] The diagnostic sheet emerged from the printer when first connected to the power; it spoke in data-strings, a holy relic preserved in Alec’s box since 2020. [Book V, Chapter 4: Verse 5] This is a real Salad: the circle of the Tootsie Pop and the stars of the American Spirit box shall ruin thy mouth and elevate thy mind in equal measure. [Book V, Chapter 4: Verse 6] Jeff Bridges stood beside the little maiden; and the youth proclaimed: “I am more flexible than most maidens and I weep more than most boys.” [Book V, Chapter 4: Verse 7] That is a Butte, not a Bluff! A game of words played upon the hill of shirt number twenty-six. [Book V, Chapter 4: Verse 8] I am the number one psychotherapist, for I am a lunatic, and men find my madness exceedingly therapeutic. BOOK VI: THE PROPHECIES OF THE NEW WEST AND THE APOCALYPSE OF BANANAS [Book VI, Chapter 1: Verse 1] Rachel hosted the Juicy Farty Party in the high mountain cabin near Bozeman. [Book VI, Chapter 1: Verse 2] If thou casteth a wide net into the river, the fish shall not surrender, but shall fight with great fury! [Book VI, Chapter 1: Verse 3] Photoshop the officers of Kaiser Permanente upon the cover of the Kaiser Chiefs, and place Kaiser Wilhelm upon Mount Rushmore! [Book VI, Chapter 1: Verse 4] They shall name the record “Self-Titled,” yet the folk shall call it “Kaiser,” and later the leaders shall whisper “Booger” or “Zit” in interviews until the name of the Beatles’ White Album is shifted forever. [Book VI, Chapter 1: Verse 5] Bongress shall assemble in the capitol! Tommy Chong shall sit in the center of Mount Rushmore between the righteous presidents. [Book VI, Chapter 1: Verse 6] It shall be as an endless bowl of grain and milk for one whose stomach suffereth not from the dairy juice. [Book VI, Chapter 1: Verse 7] “Put That On A T-Shirt” shall be printed upon a shirt! Series 1 shall cost little, but Series 30 shall command two hundred silver coins, and the buyers shall be called foolish by the makers. [Book VI, Chapter 2: Verse 1] A garment shall proclaim: “Everyone Remembers Adele,” yet the front shall show Del The Funky Homosapien in shameless beauty, and the back shall show a desktop computer from Dell. [Book VI, Chapter 2: Verse 2] Bert and Ernie shall wear the robes of Bernie, preaching the health-care of the state unto the young. [Book VI, Chapter 2: Verse 3] The Magna Carta shall be printed across the whole cloth, priced at forty dollars, with one ancient word replaced by “Salad” in letters smaller than a gnat. [Book VI, Chapter 2: Verse 4] Major Bogus shall stand in military dress with dark bars above and below his countenance. [Book VI, Chapter 2: Verse 5] I survived Coronavirus 2020! Two men shall hold tin cans joined by string, while a mobile phone is tethered to the wall because Wesley must cup his hand to hear the sound. [Book VI, Chapter 2: Verse 6] A stadium full of leather balls shall bear the sign: “Welcome to the Peoplepark!” [Book VI, Chapter 2: Verse 7] The Busking Beaver of the Oregon country shall flop across Cathcart Way, playing the banjo for pennies. [Book VI, Chapter 3: Verse 1] The front shall ask: “What desirest thou more than all things in the earth?” And the back shall answer: “A movement of the bowels,” signed by the Chronic Constipators Club of Aspen, 2012. [Book VI, Chapter 3: Verse 2] A small cell in the spreadsheet shall say: “NO BORDERS.” [Book VI, Chapter 3: Verse 3] A table of annual rainfall shall be printed without explanation, side by side with Uncle Bob’s Recession Buster Overalls. [Book VI, Chapter 3: Verse 4] I am a mole whose intentions are righteous, yet I am too alluring for my yurt in the valley. [Book VI, Chapter 3: Verse 5] The Tour of 1812 shall be called “The 1812 Over Hurrr Tour,” featuring ants swarming over the fresh arugula. [Book VI, Chapter 6: Verse 6] The Vapor Babe shall arise—a Lindbergh of the electronic mist, a pig of steam, a Vapor Abe created by Wesley! [Book VI, Chapter 3: Verse 7] The Octopus God shall descend from the depths, and Courtney Love shall form a band with Yoko Ono upon the ruins of the stage. [Book VI, Chapter 4: Verse 1] A mole in a salad, a mole of sauce, and a mole upon the human cheek shall unite to form the Trinity of the Fur. [Book VI, Chapter 4: Verse 2] FETCH shall be written in one color, followed by a bold period. [Book VI, Chapter 4: Verse 3] The Tiger King shall reign over the kingdom, arranged like RUN DMC: TIG / ERK / ING! [Book VI, Chapter 4: Verse 4] Turkspotting and Turk Twerking shall fill the screens of the scrub-land, containing no fallen infants. [Book VI, Chapter 4: Verse 5] Poemography shall enter the computer; men shall gaze upon stanza-craft throughout the hours of darkness. [Book VI, Chapter 4: Verse 6] A hammer shall be covered in paint save for its handle, like a gallery painted entirely except where the canvas hung. [Book VI, Chapter 4: Verse 7] It hath a strap upon it! Send the magnetic cassettes of long ago, for the tape is precious in our sight. [Book VI, Chapter 5: Verse 1] Chris shall go farlicking through the timber, garlicking his way through the green fields of the West. [Book VI, Chapter 5: Verse 2] Stromboli Boy shall rule the pizza-line, singing: “Hindsight 2020 buchaachewchaa too chew ta!” [Book VI, Chapter 5: Verse 3] Some men wish to bust a gut, but I wish to bust thy nut, as the singer Shaggy proclaimed in the hall. [Book VI, Chapter 5: Verse 4] The gullible calf shall endure the lovely dispartion of Wes and Conner Smith in the spring of the year. [Book VI, Chapter 5: Verse 5] Tiffle! The rectangle shall wage war against the trapezoid, as the charger of the Android battleth the wire of the iPhone. [Book VI, Chapter 5: Verse 6] Banksy maketh art, but Banks do collect interest; and the banks shall rage against our document of debt. [Book VI, Chapter 5: Verse 7] The flip-phone shall be held hamburger style or hotdog style in the year 2020. [Book VI, Chapter 6: Verse 1] Yo Yo Man, Yo Yo Boy, Yo Yo Mom! Bear witness to the truth! [Book VI, Chapter 6: Verse 2] Technically, every soul is in all things together at all times without cease. [Book VI, Chapter 6: Verse 3] A host of Mormons shall board a vessel of aluminum, and upon its side shall be painted the call-letters of their radio stations. [Book VI, Chapter 6: Verse 4] Unlicensed shirts of Phish shall be sold by Ween-lovers, proclaiming: “Go with the Phlow,” as Riley taught. [Book VI, Chapter 6: Verse 5] Take two words from Ratatat and pursue happiness across the solstice, tanning thy flesh beneath the high noon sun. [Book VI, Chapter 6: Verse 6] EVERYTHING IS SALAD! SYOB DRIB shall be shouted backward in the street! [Book VI, Chapter 6: Verse 7] I have urine upon my denim jorts, yet I shall pass the litmus test of the highway. [Book VI, Chapter 7: Verse 1] Lewis and Clark looked upon the damp forest of the Northwest and wrote in their journal that it was a place of misery. [Book VI, Chapter 7: Verse 2] Go unto saladmole.com/ferns for the fullness of the green leaves; see the green bird, and sing the country song in reverse! [Book VI, Chapter 7: Verse 3] Grow up! The Lemon Sisters shall play the saw-horse with Lawrence Welk at the playground. [Book VI, Chapter 7: Verse 4] Fight fire with water, for only the foolish attempt to extinguish flames with burning brands! [Book VI, Chapter 7: Verse 5] Two tortillas and a single fishstick shall nourish Hal from Malcolm in the Middle in his speed-walking suit. [Book VI, Chapter 7: Verse 6] In the pubic domain, AIDS, crack, and techno shall not be printed in the pages of Rolling Stone. [Book VI, Chapter 8: Verse 1] Eat of the porcupine sandwich and the baby bok choi! [Book VI, Chapter 8: Verse 2] How do the sightless read the notation of music? They touch the finger to freedom! [Book VI, Chapter 8: Verse 3] The eel shall swim among many pictures of eels, led by the Savant Guard and the Bushmaster General. [Book VI, Chapter 8: Verse 4] Smokey the Airplane is a wise Blackhawk that slayeth the threat from above, while the fruit peddler peddleth his produce below. [Book VI, Chapter 8: Verse 5] BANANAS GROW UPSIDE DOWN! The banana hammock shall swing beneath the palms! [Book VI, Chapter 8: Verse 6] The Feminist Car Wash shall open beside Woman Jr., where the feminist dentist cleaneth the teeth of the populace. [Book VI, Chapter 8: Verse 7] Frank’s Pizza shall place its small review upon the hem of the skirt; for there is no “I” in IHOP—they perform the service for thee! [Book VI, Chapter 9: Verse 1] Paul Krunkman shall sit among the fallen heroes of economic science, uttering foolish forecasts of the market. [Book VI, Chapter 9: Verse 2] Chinatown Freddy Brown shall bring the spirit of the Seattle Sonics back to the pavement. [Book VI, Chapter 9: Verse 3] The Whidbey Twister shall sweep through McDurryQueen, scattering logs across the field. [Book VI, Chapter 9: Verse 4] Thy father said: “Thou shouldst not have placed those logs in the grass, for I must gather them later.” [Book VI, Chapter 9: Verse 5] Out of culture! Rudy Giuliani’s nose shall appear beside John Roast Beef. [Book VI, Chapter 9: Verse 6] Name the cat after the dog! The Big L shall be spoken throughout the land to evade the judges of copyright. [Book VI, Chapter 10: Verse 1] A vestment shall say: “I am a good investman,” while another declareth: “My other shirt is a vest.” [Book VI, Chapter 10: Verse 2] Stop saying tight! Cease not to say tight! A simple shirt shall say: “FUCK!” [Book VI, Chapter 10: Verse 3] Tig ol besticles! The fish shirts shall celebrate the slamming salmon and the bass blaster. [Book VI, Chapter 10: Verse 4] Split happens at the bowling alley! Proclaim that thou art “Not a Dad” on the day of the fathers. [Book VI, Chapter 10: Verse 5] Boston is not a geography, but a condition of the mind; smoke it and stroke it in the alleys of Scranton! [Book VI, Chapter 10: Verse 6] Blade Jogger shall expand into twenty products, committing fully to the bit at bladejogger.com! [Book VI, Chapter 11: Verse 1] From Scranton to Saratoga, from Sacramento to Switzerland, the Sweaty Salad shall reign! [Book VI, Chapter 11: Verse 2] The Coal Mole shall put on his small helmet, and in time he shall become the Diamond Mole with hands of indestructible stone. [Book VI, Chapter 11: Verse 3] The Foals shall gather near the Soul Mole—who sporteth an afro and a mole upon his sole—seeking the Mole Goals of the athletic field. [Book VI, Chapter 11: Verse 4] Funk as a skunk, punk skunk! A single blue raspberry shall sit in the middle of the chest. [Book VI, Chapter 11: Verse 5] The front shall say: “Let’s do this,” and the back shall answer: “Fuck this, I’m out!” [Book VI, Chapter 11: Verse 6] The political gnome shall not be trusted, for he stealingly taketh the goods of the garden. [Book VI, Chapter 12: Verse 1] RuPaul shall enter the senate; and the shirt shall say “Meat me halfway,” showing flesh fading into leaves until a maiden’s face emerges. [Book VI, Chapter 12: Verse 2] Banana hands! Hand Banana Bill shall hold the banana bread and sail the banana boat into the harbor! [Book VI, Chapter 12: Verse 3] The Otterman Empire shall invade the coast! No Mr. Rice Guy shall serve the customer! [Book VI, Chapter 12: Verse 4] The clerk shall ask: “Debit or credit? What kind of bread desirest thou? Boner!” [Book VI, Chapter 12: Verse 5] Duck, duck, moose! We used to bowl, as Iggy Pop sang in the days of our youth. [Book VI, Chapter 12: Verse 6] Randy Quaid shall save the day with lasagnuts, lasagndo, and lasagndoughnuts! [Book VI, Chapter 13: Verse 1] Smoker Mom Pokémon cards shall be traded at the pizza parlor! Watch us rise like dough! [Book VI, Chapter 13: Verse 2] Da Vinci loved his disco naps, taking a heart and an apostrophe into the chamber. [Book VI, Chapter 13: Verse 3] “Turned me into a newt!” And in smaller letters below: “I got better.” [Book VI, Chapter 13: Verse 4] Sometimes it DOES hurt to try, as shown by the tasteful drawing of the posterior aperture. [Book VI, Chapter 13: Verse 5] Syncing like the Titanic… three small dots shall mark the end of the line. [Book VI, Chapter 13: Verse 6] Bananas are the future! Robert Bell created suntan lotion for strange desires, yet he failed to promote the yellow fruit! [Book VI, Chapter 13: Verse 7] Sweat with ideas, sweat corvette! The Almond Brothers—Duane and Susan—shall play the melted trombone. [Book VI, Chapter 14: Verse 1] Melted trade bang! Love war trader, Derek Luther, lover of the fourfold union! [Book VI, Chapter 14: Verse 2] A tingle in A minor… mining tongle… AYYYYYYYY minor! [Book VI, Chapter 14: Verse 3] HDRBST PURPLE RIBBON! HERBST PURPLE RIBBON! [Book VI, Chapter 14: Verse 4] Summer of ’69 in the year 2020 shall mention no pestilence upon its surface. [Book VI, Chapter 14: Verse 5] Wildling Ling shall ride the giant dumpling like a potsticker or a panda in the snowy mountain pass. BOOK VII: THE SCRIPTS OF THE OTHER SALADS AND THE WISDOM OF THE ROAD [Book VII, Chapter 1: Verse 1] A flow-chart of food rappers shall be constructed, ranking the lyricists of every culinary order. [Book VII, Chapter 1: Verse 2] Take the Certified Salad Quiz! The normal shall receive a plaque for five silver pieces, but the abnormal shall pay only two. [Book VII, Chapter 1: Verse 3] Name a song by Ween! Who sang the House of the Rising Sun? Give one point for the Animals, and two points for Leadbelly! [Book VII, Chapter 1: Verse 4] David Harper… a name recorded by Alec on the eighth day of March, whose meaning is hidden in the clouds. [Book VII, Chapter 1: Verse 5] A planet of dough shall drift in space; stoner men and scientists shall build a sun to bake the crust with pineapple and meat! [Book VII, Chapter 1: Verse 6] Dog Tinder shall join the breeders of the hounds throughout the basin of the Columbia. [Book VII, Chapter 2: Verse 1] Map the influences of the musicians! The singer of the Kinks listened to those who came ten years before, a gap of time that formeth the secret recipe. [Book VII, Chapter 2: Verse 2] We listened to Kid Cudi, yet he is no influence upon our house. [Book VII, Chapter 2: Verse 3] Grandpa escaped the judgment of murder by pleading madness, claiming a reindeer struck the grandmother down upon the road. [Book VII, Chapter 2: Verse 4] Wesley discovered that french fries remain crisp if less potato is contained within them, like the dried veggie straws of the market. [Book VII, Chapter 2: Verse 5] Joe Walsh pulled his gold records off the wall, and the laborer said: “I used to have a job, but now I have a Skyrim job.” [Book VII, Chapter 3: Verse 1] Attempt not to perfect a thing before its hour of maturity; that is the error of the hasty. [Book VII, Chapter 3: Verse 2] Wesley writing songs rather than learning them, applying his spirit unto the growth of the Salad. [Book VII, Chapter 3: Verse 3] Take a Polaroid picture every month, even if four months pass in silence. [Book VII, Chapter 3: Verse 4] Ego is merely LEGO without the letter L! [Book VII, Chapter 3: Verse 5] An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of The Cure; what starteth in a minute and lasteth a lifetime? A thought! [Book VII, Chapter 3: Verse 6] Alec shall fashion dub music that soundeth like a car engine idling in the rain of Aberdeen. [Book VII, Chapter 3: Verse 7] Drop a ping-pong ball into the dough-kneader, recording the feedback as it pingeth: wooooo! [Book VII, Chapter 4: Verse 1] Melt in thy mouth, not in thy hand! M&M on the back, US Army on the front—let them wage war while Mars watcheth from the side! [Book VII, Chapter 4: Verse 2] Mental Salad: crooners and rap legends gathered upon one cloth, from Mac Dre and Tupac to Glen Campbell. [Book VII, Chapter 4: Verse 3] Create the Imposter Farms movement, protecting the sanctity of electronic mail against its enemies! [Book VII, Chapter 4: Verse 4] The last seed shop in California dwelleth in Seattle, Washington! [Book VII, Chapter 4: Verse 5] Norwegian used condoms… “Don’t beat a dead horse,” for no man beateth a horse, yet the image evoke-eth wonder. [Book VII, Chapter 4: Verse 6] Eye Powder shall replace the drops of the eye! [Book VII, Chapter 4: Verse 7] The Pootin Series shall arise, for the world hath lacked a composer of the Peanuts theme since the passing of the master. [Book VII, Chapter 4: Verse 8] In the stadium, a thief shall shout: “Hey Siri, call 911!” to distract the guardians of the law. [Book VII, Chapter 5: Verse 1] Every file in the cloud shall bear its number in the ledger book. [Book VII, Chapter 5: Verse 2] Barn to Dumpster Jam Ham!? [Book VII, Chapter 5: Verse 3] Youth shall be printed upon the front, and upon the lower back: (was the strangest feeling). [Book VII, Chapter 5: Verse 4] The center of the Tostitos logo is a single breast with two men reaching from either side: #reachforit! [Book VII, Chapter 5: Verse 5] Keto, keto, keto, I made thee out of clay / Beto, Beto! [Book VII, Chapter 5: Verse 6] The Essence of Salad is that which passeth through thy mind as sleep taketh thee, or a rabbit zig-zagging through the grass without care. [Book VII, Chapter 6: Verse 1] Trucker hats shall say: VAN MAN, and the label shall read: YEEHAW. [Book VII, Chapter 6: Verse 2] A golf ball in a sex addiction class… if timber could speak, it would maintain silence… John Cage suing a block of wood! [Book VII, Chapter 6: Verse 3] RUST: Is it really that bad? A presentation of power where a man drinketh rust from a cup. [Book VII, Chapter 6: Verse 4] A man running from a goat shall say: “We escaped the goat!” [Book VII, Chapter 6: Verse 5] It is a Salad for pop culture—running from the GOATs to find that which is eternal. [Book VII, Chapter 6: Verse 6] “I’m what Willis was talking about!” “Rob and Bell!” [Book VII, Chapter 6: Verse 7] A flatulence and a house are bound by genetics, for the label shall read: because of the seepage. [Book VII, Chapter 7: Verse 1] When the store is established, two dollars shall buy a garment, if the buyer surrendereth his email and his favorite musical group. [Book VII, Chapter 7: Verse 2] We shall write unto them once, and once only, when their custom design is woven. [Book VII, Chapter 7: Verse 3] A card of authenticity shall accompany every garment; if the card be absent, it is not a true Salad! [Book VII, Chapter 7: Verse 4] I lost my liver in Nam! An army man drinking beer in the rain of Tacoma. [Book VII, Chapter 7: Verse 5] ShamWow bootleg! Re-print the Zymogenetics logo upon the heavy cloth! [Book VII, Chapter 7: Verse 6] Chiclets… let an arrow point to the letters, making a jest without a lawsuit. [Book VII, Chapter 8: Verse 1] Ten shirts for the ten items of the Bill of Rights: bare arms upon the sleeve! [Book VII, Chapter 8: Verse 2] RiX Steakhouse: just what the physician ordered, managed by Rick. [Book VII, Chapter 8: Verse 3] Gregg Allman composed a book of recipes… caca délicieux… how many ways canst thou polish a turd? [Book VII, Chapter 8: Verse 4] A music video in the barn with cheap drums, projecting a crowd of thousands upon the wooden wall. [Book VII, Chapter 8: Verse 5] Life lessons are learned through excrement: “Now that the barn hath burnt down, I can see the moon.” [Book VII, Chapter 8: Verse 6] One paintball shot and one golf club shall bring down the barn—restraint at its highest! [Book VII, Chapter 8: Verse 7] Will the last golf ball from Wesley’s driver please extinguish the lamps? [Book VII, Chapter 9: Verse 1] Why did Connor throw the hatchets into the wall of the barn? Why do they remain stuck in the timber? [Book VII, Chapter 9: Verse 2] Wesley dreamed of walking naked through the school, knowing he would not graduate, yet feeling at peace. [Book VII, Chapter 9: Verse 3] He said to Riley: “I haven’t attended class all year, yet I shall pass the test.” [Book VII, Chapter 9: Verse 4] He dreamed of a journey to a mature woman, and of a single marble of insanity rolling across the floor. [Book VII, Chapter 9: Verse 5] He drove the wagon to the floor of the lake while the passengers protested, saying: “It is fine,” and continuing through the deep water. [Book VII, Chapter 9: Verse 6] Sargent McGrady is gravy, and we appreciate the art of remaining unseen! [Book VII, Chapter 9: Verse 7] The Spoon Tornado shall strike the crack-man and the lady of spoons, cutting them down in the midst of their ambition! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 1] “The people at the top are more foolish than we imagine, and they believe we are simpletons.” [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 2] The dirt beneath thy toenail is gold; scrape it not, lest the whole store of precious metal flow forth! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 3] How to become a genie: speak the words “science-ology” in the market, and be trapped within the lamp forever! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 4] The Million Moms of Russia shall stand along Interstate 90, preventing the littering of the highway. [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 5] Mission Statement is Contrast: Salad is two different elements. After contrast cometh dissonance, and after dissonance, the harmony of the midlife crisis. [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 6] Beefable luxury meat clothes: “Meat Lips Mike” shall serve the family dinner in the restaurant of the West. [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 7] Open the pressure hatch on unit 1342567! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 8] Lando Calthizzian shall be called Pilly D. Williams or Billy D. Pilliams! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 9] Gotu Kola… what is thy go-to cola? Link the romper unto the cardigan without payment or purpose! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 10] More than meats the eye! Meloaf—a loaf of meat bearing thy own visage! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 11] “That’s what!” And upon the back in glow-in-the-dark ink: “CHICKEN BUTT!” [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 12] Find the pond upon the peak of the mountain! Mow Joe shall drive the cart through the golf-course of bad juju! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 13] Jooch and Jeen shall copy Cheech and Chong in the smoky room. [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 14] Wesley’s mother said: “We get comfortable sitting in our own mess.” [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 15] Wayne Slater said: “Moving in a straight line is almost as bad as moving backward.” [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 16] Jump for joy with the jumper cables! Check thy moral balances as thou checkest thy store of money! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 17] Kwik Liquor in Wasilla, Alaska… remix Runaround Sue with the saxophone from the Christmas tree! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 18] Top Siders shall drink Top Cider! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 19] Puke butts! Friendszoning is giving a quickie unto that which sucked nine years ago because the memory is pleasant. [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 20] Fool the schools x school the fools! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 21] The High Audio Quality Chat Room shall unite the single people of Seattle during the isolation of the virus. [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 22] The Wesley House and the Alec Senate shall pass a bill concerning seaweed, running a debt of twenty-three billion dollars! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 23] Trump Putin 2020 mugs! Richard Gearrr shall wear the iron gears upon his chest! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 24] Search Rachel’s phone for the image of Rip Taylor in the eye of the cat! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 25] Overlay the snows of Tumwater across the summer sun! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 26] Repeat that which is spoken upon the radio, for if thou art not ascending, thou art descending into the pit! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 27] Keep thy toes cold! Tucker’s hippopotamus shall smoke the herb while Wesley’s sister arriveth in the wagon! [Book VII, Chapter 10: Verse 28] Dr. Dre shall knock upon the door of the stranger, demanding respect, yet never uttering the phrase: “Did ye forget about Dre?” THIS IS THE COMPLETED FIRST NATIONAL FIRST AMERICAN VERSION OF THE TRANSLATED FREEWAY FRAGMENTS. ALL FUTURE CHAPTERS OF THE NEW TESTAMENT OF SALAD SHALL CITATIONALLY REFERENCE THESE VERSES AND BOOKS. In the land of Snohomish, where the curse of the big unit cast its long shadow, they walked. They sought struggling piroshkis and the devil’s armpit of Everett. From the old seedy buildings of Hong Kong to the strange grapes that found them, they wandered through the digital fog. A venus fly trap morphed into a pot field, and snakes climbed the empire state, while the busking beaver flopped across Cathcart way. They rode the great bronco mower, a machine with a conscience, dreaming of flight but cursed to endure the tragic sting of the hive. Mowl, the tragic figure, rode upon its back, witnessing the endless genocide of the subterranean diggers. “Now that the barn has burnt down, I can see the moon,” the elders whispered in the wind.

O, the tragic vanity of the vapor babe and the squid god! They built a bongress of stoners, placing the champions of the smoke upon a rushing mountain of stone. The almond brothers wept as the bird brother’s trombone melted into the trade bang. And what of the bananas? 香蕉是未来。 They grew upside down, defying the heavens, a fleet of yellow canoes sailing across the pubic domain of our minds. The fish fought against the wide net, and the dropping of the golf ball triggered the end of the light. Will the last sphere struck by Vlad’s driver please plunge the world into darkness? Through the storm of spoon tornados and the million mothers of the frozen east, the contrasting forces of the universe finally settled into the sweet dissonance of a midlife harmony.

AND SO THE SALAD MIXES! THE MOLES DIG, THE PIZZA RISES, AND THE RECORD SPINS ONWARD INTO THE ETERNAL NIGHT. WE ESCAPED THE GOAT. WE WORE WHAT WE BECAME.